Coffee Talk: March 2010

A common question that I think almost everyone had encountered before:

“Which animal would you like to be if you have the chance?”

Common answer would be like bird, tiger, giraffe…… the list goes on… But if I were to answer this question again, without contemplating, I’ll say I wanna be a tortoise… You might laugh, but do look at my reason why tortoise…

If you are thinking that tortoise is a coward, you are so wrong… I respect tortoises so much… They are just good at hiding themselves when dangers come… You can’t say these skillful animals coward! Sometimes I just wish that I have a shell like them too, and just isolate myself when I meet problems that I don’t want to solve… Maybe is because I wished to be a tortoise so much (I know it sounds wrong), so much so until I’ve created myself a shell… A shell not to hide myself, but my feelings instead… In all my life until now, half or maybe more than half of the stuffs that I did were because of somebody… Doing so much just to please other people, this feeling is never nice before… Saying fake stuffs which are not equivalent to what running through my mind, just because people like to listen and they will be happy listening to all these lies… Often I felt lost, I’ve lost myself by doing things that are not for myself… How many friends of mine can fully understand me? Sad to say the number… But I understand many people, I know what they want and I know how to please them in various ways… When comes to me, my identity? Hah, maybe I don’t have an exact identity, I change according to people around me… That is the only reason why I seem to have a lot of friends but actually I’ve nobody… Funny life, funny me…

Tortoise is no coward, maybe I am one… Too scared of losing friends, too scared of losing my image, too scared of losing everything…. And at last I lost myself, can’t even make a simple decision by my own self… What a joke… I’m tired of pleasing people, I’m tired of doing things that I don’t like to do, I’m tired of fake smiling, I’m tired of being a joker, I’m tired of acting stupid, I’m tired of acting smart(sometimes), I’m tired of telling lies…… I need a break, need a break to do something I like to do… But I know I’ve got no will power to do it… Cause things that I wanted to do might hurt certain people… To be safe, to be a coward again, I still need to fake away… That’s my life, it is always like this…

Of course there are times that I’m real, but don’t ask me when, cause I might fail to differentiate as well… Tortoise is still the best, can hide itself whenever and wherever it feels like… It needs not to be real or fake…